When all I want to be is selfish

I'm learning something about myself. I have been very selfish in my lifetime.

Not a shocking revelation, as most of us have been selfish at one point or another in our lives. As hard as it is to admit it, I'm sure we all have a weak moment or two where we continue to express our selfish nature. I hate it, but I know acknowledging it is a good first step to becoming more self-less. I have wants and I have desires for my life and that's ok. I want to still have dreams for myself, I just don't want those dreams to ever be fulfilled at the expense of another.

I want what is best for the people in my life. Where I find myself being selfish is when those things affect me. For example, my bestfriend moved to Mobile for college a few years after I started Auburn, and I wanted her to stay in Auburn. I wanted to have my friend there, I wanted to be part of her life, and I wanted her to be a part of mine. Of course I lost this battle and she left for school. But now I see why she did. Despite the distance between us, she is still my bestfriend years later. We still talk, maybe not as regularly, but enough to keep a friendship going. She met a great man and is finishing school. She's grown so much, most of which I don't think would have happened unless she got away from Auburn. I'm glad she moved now. If only I had seen that all back then.

I have to remember that just because the people I love may be moving or pursuing a dream or making a change in their lives, it doesn't mean that our relationship will change. People are going to pursue goals and make changes in their lives, and now I'm ready to put their wants and dreams and desires in front of my own.

I want to be self-less and one day I hope to be pretty close to it, but until then, I will struggle, I will cry, I will have to fight with myself and let myself know that it is all for the best. I will get mad and close up, I will be shocked and surprised, I will have loss and gain, but I know that no matter what God has a plan for me and has a plan for them and he will not give me more than I can handle.

I cannot wait to see where I am in 5 years, but even more so I cannot wait to see where those people that mean the most to me will be. I'm so excited for the future and for what is to come.